DISQUS

Goofy Girl · 11 months ago

First off...thank you for addressing this issue! We just adopted a 2-year-old boy. Our 5-year-old son (also adopted) immediately began scolding, ordering, and tattling on the 2-year-old...basically being a parent. None of the books we read addressed these issues at all - mainly because they assume the new child will be a baby and you will have years for them to work out their pecking order.

We started out with the "nip it in the bud" approach, but realized that this made our older son feel isolated from the family. He really wanted to help - just didn't know how. So we worked into the "weaning" approach you mentioned above. When he does feel the need to "be a parent", we've encouraged him to do it in an instructional way, like SHOWING (not doing for him!) younger son how to do something, then HELPING (again not doing!) him do it.

This has worked out pretty well for us.

sean808080 · 11 months ago

Great to hear you've worked out a win-win approach.

The funny thing is the more I think about it the more I realize that a lot of what irritated me about a child being so parentified was that I was also somewhat parentified. What's that saying..."the things that annoy you in others are things you dislike about yourself"?

It's all a lesson, isn't it? Thanks for sharing.

Anthony (batsabode) · 1 year ago

Dont just buy someone a meal ,teach them how to cook so they will not be hungry. Same thing, If the child or person never learns they will always be dependant and in this day and age it is always advisable to be self dependant or indipendant. As long as this does not make one too insular!

pognyc · 1 year ago

Well, going on my memories of being a child and what I know of psychology and not having had my own kids, I would say it depends on what the behavior is. Shoe tying is relatively tame. I would turn it into a teaching session and suggest that the older child and the younger child have a teach and learn time when not actually dressing for school, like on saturday or in the evening.
The 8 year could practice tying the shoe of the older child, or an "off" shoe from the opposite perspective of the wearer.

I would think some other type of behavior, l like bathing or something might have a more serious cut off date.

I'm not so sure I would "preach" to the older child about their own psychological "role" and the reasons for doing or not doing things as it sounds too advanced for someone actually going through the stage to understand the stages of psychological development. I wouldn't want to further resentment at an inattentive parent by overly attending some neglected areas.

The 8 year old should probably be able to tie his or her own shoe after one or two lessons, I would guess.

cartoongoddess · 11 months ago

Live and let live, depending on the behavior. If it's small stuff, don't sweat it.

I am the oldest of three. I often helped my brothers tie their shoes, apply sunscreen, find something to eat, do homework, etc, while my mom was busy juggling a million other things. It was expected of me (big sis). My brothers grew up and turned out fine.

No biggie.

P.S. I still remove household spiders for my youngest bro. He hates 'em.